A few years ago, Portland Mercury started something called Burger Week, where you can get a hamburger for five bucks at participating restaurants and bars throughout the city. The prices have since gone up due to inflation or COVID or whatever, and now they are eight bucks, which is still a great deal despite most of these burgers being paper-thin. Also, they don’t come with fries or any sides. Mostly, it’s an excuse to try different bars/restaurants’ take on a specialty hamburger and to get a sense of what these establishments are like.
I started my Burger Week journey at Von Ebert Brewing on NW 13th Ave. I was greeted at the entrance by a non-host who explained to me how things work there. You find an empty table and scan the QR code at the table. Each QR code represents a specific table, and you can see the menu and pay over your phone through the QR code link unless you want to order a drink, in which case you would have to order at the bar. Yeah, super simple. I’m not sure how this is an improved experience for anyone, including the servers or hosts who have to walk everyone through this convoluted system that is becoming all too common. I ended up ordering my drink, burger, and fries at the bar. The service is adequate, not friendly but not unfriendly, just kind of going through the motions and giving the bare minimum. Overall, the vibe I get from this place is average: average food and drinks, average service, and average prices. I spent $6 on a beer, which I thought was a bit much until they served it to me in this huge glass stein, which was a nice surprise. The crowd seemed to be mostly tall white guys with baseball caps and dad bods, and despite how open this place feels, being in a renovated warehouse, it’s crowded and reminds me of an army mess hall. Especially when you factor in the little square metal food trays and long tables you’re meant to share with strangers—yuk. The Pimento cheeseburger also didn’t help. In my experience, pimento doesn’t pair well with a hamburger; the taste overpowers the other flavors and gives the burger a foul aftertaste. It’s not Von Ebert’s fault. It’s the pimento.
The next spot I checked out was Abigail Hall, which might be my new favorite hidden gem. Located in the Woodlark Hotel, this lounge serves small plates and has a budget-friendly happy hour menu. It’s just past the front desk, down the hallway, past the elevator bank, and tucked around a corner. I needed help finding it. Right away, the bartender was friendly and smiling, like someone who works off tips should be. They were still just opening, so I had my pick of seating, and there were lots of great choices: leather armchairs next to a fireplace, huge booths, couches with coffee tables. My ass was in the promised land. Abigail’s Hall really does have the class and sophistication of a British gentlemen’s club. With the chic decor and Urban Outfitters wallpaper, it also has the hip young professional vibes of a Soho House, minus the cost or snootiness. The lighting is dim and cozy, the music playing overhead—’70’s groove? $4 Miller Lights and baskets of fries until 6 p.m. How am I just now finding this place? It’s hard to pin down the type of clientele they cater to. It’s part of a hotel, so the crowd is pretty eclectic, with people from all walks of life visiting Portland on vacation or for work. I felt like I fit in here, which is rarely the case when I eat out alone. The Burger Week burger, however, was thin and didn’t taste like Wagyu beef, as they claim it was. It wasn’t bad, mind you, just a small smash burger on the same level as an In-N-Out burger, with caramelized onions and cheddar cheese. But I couldn’t taste the Wagyu. It could have been Chuck for all I knew, and with what Wagyu costs, they would have been better off making a bigger more satisfying burger with a lesser meat. I would have also liked to see more veggie options on the menu: But the fries were good, like McDonald’s good.
The next day, I tried my luck at Lo’s Burgers on SE Morrison St, located in Creepy’s. Creepy’s is an inner southeast clown-themed dive right off the Morrison Bridge. I spent a few minutes here, lost my appetite, and walked out. Hate to sound like a snob, but when I get that bad vibe, I listen to it. My girlfriend also wasn’t feeling this place, and neither of us was in the mood for a creepy clown burger. So we drove down Powell’s to Bucket Brigade Sports Bar & Restaurant on SE Powell Blvd, a block before you hit 82nd. They have the Spicy Luau Burger for Burger Week, with roasted jalapeño, pineapple salsa, a teriyaki-seasoned burger patty, and melted Swiss cheese. Ok. It was actually really good and the best one I had so far. A big, thick, juicy patty dripping the way a good burger should. My only gripe was the jalapeno, pineapple, and red onion were all diced, so stuff kept falling out with every bite. $3 PBRs, BTW.
The last place on this burger voyage was The Tavern at Heathman, a restaurant and lounge attached to The Heathman Hotel. I will always think of this hotel as the place with the Beefeater doorman. For a while, their doorman wore almost identical outfits to The Yeomen Warders who guard The Tower of London. I think they got rid of those uniforms because of how ridiculous and impractical they are. Now, let’s talk burgers: Remember when I said pimento didn’t belong on one? I can admit when I’m wrong, and how wrong I was. They had a Pig and Pimento Double SmashBurger that was the best burger not only of this year’s Burger Week but possibly the best I’ve ever had in my life. It was juicy, salty, and had just the right amount of pink in the center, which I thought they outlawed. Seriously, do you have to go to a fancy hotel restaurant like this one to get a rare burger these days? Because I will, gladly. I forgot how nice hotel bars can be. The hostess suggested the library room or the main dining area at the front. I took a peek at the library room and immediately made up my mind. She had to check with her manager, who came over and kept suggesting every room but the library room, explaining they don’t like letting people eat there. He reluctantly allowed me to have my burger in this astonishingly tasteful room with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, extremely comfy armchairs, and an upstairs area I’ll have to check out next time I’m there.
